We Arrived and Survived a Cross-Country Move

We arrived on our new island home on August 23rd. What a trip! in more ways than one. We left on a Thursday afternoon, stayed overnight at a motel about five hours from our home, then traveled to my brother's home for a wonderful stay - bed and breakfast included, on Friday night.

Saturday night we spent in Oklahoma, and Sunday night just 75 miles from our new home. We drove in early Monday morning and were met by a wonderful team of movers who promptly got us into our new living space.

My daughter and her family were there to greet us, took us out to dinner, and made sure we were settled in. We are really enjoying our new lifestyle although Dad, especially, misses all his old friends in Michigan. After all, he had lived all of his 87 years in Michigan. It was tough for him to move, but he stepped up to the plate for the sake of our family. We really appreciate his willingness to make that sacrifice.

We are enjoying our life here although it is very hot. It is starting to cool down now that it is September, and I am sure that we will enjoy the winter. We live within close walking distance of a Dairy Queen and a hamburger drive through - no not THAT one - and will take advantage of both!

Just wanted to update everyone that we arrived and survived a cross-country move. At our age, that is really saying something.

Take care!

When Friends and Family Visit Aging Seniors

July 2010 has brought quite a large number of guests to our home for various reasons, making my father a very happy man. He loves having people stop by and enjoys the hours of conversation that provides.

Just this month alone we had visits from:

1. My brother and his family came to visit over the 4th of July from southwestern Illinois. Also joining us was my niece from Indianapolis.
2. My cousin who lives in North Carolina stopped to visit on his way from visiting a relative in Wisconsin.
3. My daughter and grandson from Texas, and my other daughter from SE Michigan stopped by while here for a funeral on the former in laws side of the family.
4. My sister is now here from Utah as of yesterday.
5. Life long friends from the mid-Michigan area stopped by Friday to see how Dad was doing, and to watch a DVD that my brother put together of old videos my Dad had recorded.

That was just in July alone! Very unusual that we get that many visitors, but it has been fun to see everyone. At our age, you never know when you will ever see anyone again.

What I most noticed, however, is that no matter how much we enjoy the company it seems to pass all to swiftly. Suddenly the house is empty again and we just have snippets of conversations and certain memories of those who were here. It really is difficult living so far from one another that we are unable to visit any more than we do. And, the visits are all too short.

The month is running out so I don't know if we will have anyone else this July, but it has really been a pleasure to see everyone in person. A number of us get together on Facebook, email, cell phones, and text messages, but it is never the same as seeing someone in person.

Hugs are great - we love our hugs. We also enjoy just sitting around talking and sharing memories from the past. All in all, it's been a great summer and we will remember when friends and family visited these aging seniors.

September Will Bring a Family Visitor to Our Home

We are all atwitter here since we learned our grandson/great-grandson will visit us in September. Now two-years-and-four-months-old, David is growing fast. We have received quite a number of photos via cell phone, well over a hundred at last count.

About twenty short videos also allow us to watch him as he grows. He is becoming quite a young boy.

Long distant grand parenting is difficult when we see such wonderful changes taking place. I would love to be with him in person, but I am thankful that modern technology allows us to stay in touch pretty much in real time.

I have a picture that I framed of David and his Dad soon after they left a local restaurant one evening. The cool thing about the picture is that while they were in the restaurant I received two videos showing David and his family while they were eating.

Now when I look at the picture, I can remember, or watch once again, how he behaved while eating. Almost like being there in real time.

We haven't yet tried Skype, although I think being able to see and talk to him via that type of resource would be a great addition to our photo and video arsenal to keep Grandma and David in touch with one another.

I know that I am where I am supposed to be as far as caregiver to my father, but I certainly miss the physical closeness, i.e. hugs and kisses, I could have with my grandson. Thankfully modern technology helps us stay in touch.

Haircuts, Bearhugs, and Sore Ribs

Yesterday, an extended family member (my daughter's youngest sister) came over to the house so she could cut Dads' and my daughters' hair.

When Sarah walked in, she gave Dad a big hug, whereby he said, "Ooh! Be careful, my ribs are sore."

Sarah and Deb expressed concern about how he injured his ribs. Dad grinned and said, "Well, the women at the senior center hug me so hard it hurts my ribs."

Hmmmmm! Anyone in particular, Dad?

Text and Pix Messages - A Wonderful Thing

This picture is David and his mom fishing from the pier in Port Aransas, TX

Dad and I have received numerous text messages, pictures, and videos from my Texas-based daughter. The good news is that we are receiving numerous pictures of my grandson as he grows. We don't have to wait for pictures to be developed, sent by snail mail, or even wait for belated trips to the post office.

I love hearing that little "ding" letting me know there is a new picture available. Now, if I can just get the pictures uploaded to my computer, that would be great. The videos are a riot, and we can see David in action. The funny thing is, he is either sleeping or moving around in some manner. He loves to move rapidly forward and back when he is sitting in his highchair.

And the other day a picture arrived where he is sitting in the little antique chair Dad and I sent at Christmas time. The funny thing is, he was sticking his tongue out at us when the picture was taken. Now, I wonder who put him up to that?

Anyway, I hope you have the capability to send and receive instant messages to long-distant family members. I know it has really enhanced our lives!

Keep those pix and text coming, kids - we love them all!

Before You Go...

While you are visiting Elder Care Cafe, take a look at the pictures on the sidebar.

This blog was started as a journal to share the story of my Dad and my care giving/receiving journey, and to share information and experiences with other caregivers. The more formal extension of this blog is at ElderCareCafe.net.

I joined Dad on September 7, 2006 so that he could continue to live in the house he had shared with my mother since 1970.

New Year's week, 2007/2008, my daughter and her family came to visit. During their ten day stay, we had the opportunity to bond with my new grandson, Dad's great-grandson. The two pictures on the sidebar were taken during their stay.

David Lloyd was 21-months-old at the time. We miss him dearly, and enjoy the calls and pictures we have received since that time. He is growing up very quickly; he will be two-years-old on March 27. Hopefully, he will visit us again while we are still here. In the meantime, we will watch for further snail mail, email, and cell phone pix!

Do you have a special person in your life who lights up your day? If they live far away, I hope you have plenty of pictures to enjoy.

Frigid? Who's Frigid?

It is colder than icicles in Michigan! In fact, the icicles are probably buckling under this frigid weather. Wow! This morning my computer said it was -9 F about 6:30 a.m. Our indoor/outdoor is hovering around 4 deg.

That said, Dad and I are doing pretty good as long as we can stay indoors. We are toasty warm, there is plenty of hot chocolate with marshmallows to be had, the cookie gremlin might be inspired to make peanut butter cookies sometime today, and I heard whispers that we might enjoy a nice hot bowl of potato soup tonight for supper.

Dad got a bunch of new talking books yesterday - mostly western theme with a couple of Zane Grey for good measure. He really enjoys listening to westerns.

For the first time in weeks the sky is blue, the sun is shining, but it is still frigid. I guess we better take the good news while we can.

What is your good news today? How's the weather? What's for supper? What are you reading and/or drinking? Inquiring minds want to know!

More Men Now Caregivers for Elderly Parents

According to a recent survey by the Alzheimer's Association, more men are caring for their elderly parents. Formerly a "women's job", men are stepping up to the plate, possibly due to the increased number of women in the workplace and families becoming smaller.

In 1996, the number of male caregivers was 19 percent. Now that number has increased to 40 percent of men who are now family caregivers. It is estimated 17 million men are now caring for adults in the United States.

Unfortunately, the male caregivers have more problems with isolation than do their female counterparts. It is believed women are more likely to open up to others about their concerns, socialize more than men, and generally get out of the home more often to attend support groups or church activities allowing them opportunity to interact with other adults.

Men have fewer outside contacts and tend to feel more isolated. For men, care giving is more stressful because they do not feel they can open up and talk about what is going on the way women are able.

On the caregiver forums, I have seen a few men join in the conversations, but the majority are women. Hopefully, if men aren't able to communicate with someone in their physical area, they will get online and open up to others in a safe online environment such as a caregiver forum.

Do you know a male family caregiver? Would you point him in the direction of the AARP online community, or the National Family Caregivers Association (NFCA) caregiver message boards? Just have them click on the links and they can easily and anonymously share their feelings and frustrations online.

Black Friday and Past Shopping Memories

Shopping has never been of particular interest to me. When I was growing up, about once every month or so we would travel to downtown Lansing, and once in a while to Hudson's in Detroit.

Mom saved stamps, we dutifully filled the books, and off we would go to Arbaughs in Lansing to redeem the books for household items. My grandmother usually tagged along and we loved to stop by Woolworth's for a banana split or hot fudge Sunday.

In later years, I sometimes enjoyed shopping for specific items such as lamps for a new home, or my twice a year clothes shopping spree, but other than that, I continued to stay away from family shopping trips.

One day, I allowed my mother to talk me into going to the Lansing Mall during December for their family gift buying day. The group included my mother and father, my sister, my two daughters and myself.

Never have I seen a family as divided as we were that day, and it has become one of my favorite shopping stories of all time. What happened is this:

We all went our separate ways with shopping lists either in mind or written down. After a very short time of shopping, my father, younger daughter and I ended up sitting on a bench in the middle of the mall discussing where we would like to go for lunch.

Every once in a while, Mom, Sis and older daughter would come out of one store, wave as they passed, and enter the next store. A couple of times they even dropped off their packages for us to protect, while leaving their hands and arms free to assault the next shop.

I have blanked out (such a blessing) how long we sat there waiting for them, but I know it was a long time. Finally, either shopped-out or feeling sorry for us (probably the former), they took pity on us and we went to a nearby favorite cafeteria-style restaurant for a delicious and well deserved lunch.

Every year at this time I remember that infamous shopping trip. Evenly divided by personality, three shoppers and three nons, we managed to accumulate all we needed for a very merry family Christmas.

Do you have a favorite shopping story? Are you a shopper or a bench warmer?

Happy Thanksgiving!

This post is coming to you from iGoogle this very chilly Thursday morning. It is currently 26 deg F, as I can feel through the breeze coming in the window beside my computer.

We are having ham and yams, toss salad, and pumpkin pie today. The turkey will have to wait until Christmas.

The Lions are playing, Dad and I will watch, and we hope that they can finally enter the winning side of the win-loss column. At 0-11, that will be quite a challenge.

Dad asked if I was going shopping tomorrow and I said, "No way, never do, never will." Not a great fan of shopping in the first place, the last place you will find me tomorrow or even this weekend, is anywhere near a store. For those who love to shop, I hope you find everything you are seeking.

Now that many stores have brought back the layaway system, many more people will feel good about shopping. I'm glad they are reviving the honored tradition of layaways. It greatly aids those who do not want to put anymore charges on their credit card and helps the merchants at the same time. I love win-win situations, don't you?

Take care and have a great day. And save some stuffing for me. Okay?

National Suspenders Day November 20th

This morning I told Dad he should wear his best suspenders Thursday in honor of National Suspenders Day. He replied that he always does.

He has a number of different colors and patterns, including red, black, and gray. He has worn suspenders for many years. Now we find there is a special day to celebrate this mostly-male occasion.

Although I used this picture in mid-October for Dad and Aunt Vi's birthday, this is the best shot I could find of Dad and his suspenders.

Will you celebrate this auspicious occasion? Will you wear suspenders this Thursday?

Taking Keys From Parents - When is the Right Time?

Monday and Tuesday of this week, popular local columnist John Schneider of the Lansing State Journal (MI), took on the tender subject of when to take the car keys away from parents. He describes the recent accident that landed his mother in the hospital, and the family's decision to not return her car keys to her. The decision was based on the fact that the car was totalled, but also they decided not to replace the car.

Yesterday several readers responded, one with a very similar story to what happened with my mother. In the readers case, the doctor told her mother not to drive, her children disagreed, and the doctor ordered a driving test. The woman passed the written, but failed the driving test.

In my mother's situation, we all knew she shouldn't be driving, but none of us wanted to be the "bad guy" and tell her no. Also, as my father couldn't drive due to his eyes, if Mom lost her license, the rest of use would have to step up to the plate. It sounds selfish, but we were all working and most of us lived out of town.

One family member worked at a hospital and the hospital carried forms people could fill out to request a driving test, but the family member, emotionally, couldn't fill it out. Another family member talked to Mom's doctor and his office sent a letter to the State of Michigan. The State sent a formal letter to Mom letting her know that due to her age, she needed to take a drivers test. That kept the family out of the "bad guy" column.

Well, Mom, Dad and Sister went to the license bureau, Mom took the test and did fine - until they got back to the parking lot. As she was attempting to park, she hit a car and flunked the test.

I remember she was extremely angry at the person who administered the driving test. It helped the family immensely that she was able to place blame on a nameless, faceless person rather than have someone in the family receive her ire. We all appreciated the efforts of the doctors office and the State in helping us with the transition.

If your family is in the same type of situation, check with your local Secretary of State's office, doctor's office, or hospital to see if they have a similar system.

Taking a parents car keys away is a very emotionally trying situation. Thankfully, we had an alternate solution presented to us that helped ease the transition.

Have you had a similar experience? How did you or your family handle it?

Happy Birthday to Dad and Aunt Vi

Today is Dad's 86th birthday and Aunt Vi's 91st. Congratulations to both for this awesome milestone. You can view their pictures in the post below.

Dad has already received quite a number of birthday cards. They are lined up on the dining room table, and if past history repeats itself, he will look at them often.

We are going to Old Country Buffet in Okemos, MI where we went last year on their actual birthday. Aunt Vi had an early birthday party last year and was especially happy as she enjoyed the visits of out-of-state family members.

Do you have any special senior birthdays coming up? What are your plans?

The Senior Birthday Plans

Dad and Aunt Vi have set their birthday plans. Aunt Vi turns 91 on October 18th, the same day Dad turns 86. This photo is from Aunt Vi's 90th birthday party last year.

Aunt Vi's two daughters are coming over from Flint to pick Dad and I up to go to lunch. Last year Dad and I went over there and had a wonderful luncheon with Aunt Vi and her son-in-law. This year it is the womens turn and we will probably go to Lansing.

This is quite a milestone for the two of them. Who would have ever figured they would live this long? Their father died at the age of 86 from cancer, and Dad told me two years ago that he wanted to live until he was 86.

Well, I hope he lasts longer than that, because while I have lived here the last two years, the guy has grown on me. We didn't have the best of relationships over the years, but being his caregiver and seeing his health struggles has certainly changed my view and given me a new understanding of how strong is his will to live.

Every year we think this is the last time we will get together on the 18th, and every year they surprise us. Hopefully, we will have the same pleasant surprise next year.

Do you have a senior in your family who has defied the odds? How do you feel about that?

Cries of Passion From the Forums

As some of you may know, I have linked up with other caregivers on various forums. I found several interesting points along the way:

1. Almost everyone's situation is worse than mine. I am shocked at the conditions and situations going on in the home's of the elderly and infirm. Many of the people who are incapacitated to any degree are still in their 30's, 40's and 50's. They were in accidents that caused brain damage or other severe injuries, or developed Parkinson's Disease, MS, had a stroke, or were incapacitated for a myriad number of other reasons.

2. There are husbands and wives who were barely married long enough to settle down when life situations overtook them and they became caregivers to their spouse. That was not what they intended life to be like when they got married, but that's what was handed to them. Married life is difficult enough without having a devastating development like that. I have all the respect in the world for those who have cared for a spouse for many years, staying faithful to their marriage vows.

3. The compassion and support those caregivers provide others is remarkable considering what they live with on a daily basis. They are lonely, weary to the point of exhaustion, frustrated at the lack of help from other family members, struggling financially and physically, and yet they are able to lend a loving ear and caring heart to others on the forums.

Many of the caregivers are in dire need of care themselves. They are crying out for help as they are also providing aid, to their loved one and to those on the Internet. A theme on every thread is that they are so glad they found a place where they can pour out their heart to someone who understands.

That seems to be the greatest need of caregivers - to find someone else who understands.

Care giving takes more patience and understanding than any one of us has on our own. Whether we pull from a higher power, each other, or our own inner strength, we do the best we can under the circumstances. No wonder we are exhausted.

I wonder if people realize how much is going on in the lives of people all over the world. There are so many stories out there of struggles and hardship and pain and suffering, it is heartbreaking. All I can do is wonder why?

Maybe that's what life is all about - helping others. When we were younger, we kind of floated along living life, usually focused on ourselves, but then we came up against a season of time where either we had great needs or somebody needed us, and there was a huge paradigm shift in our lives and our way of thinking.

If you know a caregiver, reach out today with a word of encouragement, a hug, or even better, lend a hand to give them a time of respite. Many caregivers are also working part or full time and still carrying out their duties. Please do what you can to ease their burden.

Just think - someday you may be on the receiving end and needing care or respite. What would you want others to do for you?

Finding the Keepers: The Drive

This is the second part of Sue Monroe's series, Finding the Keepers. See Part 1 on the previous blog post dated August 31st.

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Two weeks later, I asked Mom if she would like to go for a ride in my van. She had not been out since the previous July, because it was too difficult to get her in the van, and it seemed to upset her.

On this sunny April morning she hopped right in, buckled her own seat belt before Dad or I could help, then waited impatiently for poky me to get in and drive.

At the first stop sign we came to, I planned to turn right. A car was coming from my left, but far enough away, I probably could have made it. I waited because I needed to pick up enough speed to get up the hill on the interstate overpass, before the other car reached me. I had precious cargo.

From beside me I heard “GO, GO.”

Mom had leaned forward to see past me, judged the distance of the oncoming car, and decided I had plenty of time to pull out.

Good thing Dad had his seat belt on in the back seat. He would have fallen out, he was laughing so hard, because she was telling me how to drive.

It was the first time I had heard him laugh around her in the year she had been in the home. Of course, he told that story to everyone.

Mom “transferred up” (as the staff at the home called it) two months later.

I believe I have so many good memories from her last couple of years because I decided to look for them.

That is the first step in finding the keepers. Make up your mind to see things in a different way.

Instead of only seeing the bad things, look for something good in anything. For example, a little mannerism from the past that might trigger a good memory.

The more good you look for, the more good you will find. The stories I told in these posts were of Mom reacting to things she always loved – walking, bird watching, driving all over the countryside.

Seeing your loved one react to things they once loved can give you many new memories.

After Mom lost her drivers license, I drove one-handed most of the time. My other hand was tucked firmly in hers. I miss that more than I would have imagined.

Find something that touches you as much as it does them. You will have enough good memories to keep for a lifetime.


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Sue Monroe, the author of the two part series, Finding the Keepers, was caregiver to her mother, Emily Monroe, for six years. After Emily's death in 2004, Sue continued to care for her father until I, her sister, took over his care in September 2006.

Sue now lives in Missouri and enjoys traveling. You can see Sue's work at Red Bubble.

Senior Center Follow-up!

Yesterday's lunch was interesting and much more fun than I expected. We sat with a former next door neighbor who is now 91-years-old and as sharp as can be. He still drives and lives alone in a house that was originally owned by his great-grandfather. He is a history buff and vividly recalls local events from decades ago.

Another former neighbor, whose son is a year younger than me, also shared our table. During lunch, I received updates on where everyone was living, who is working where, and who is now retired.

Back in the days of my childhood, we attended a one room country school until consolidation sent us into town. I am glad for the experience as we had the opportunity to bond within our community that we don't have today. Our community was made up of dairy farms, with fields of corn, wheat and other grains sweeping the landscape. Several of the farms are still going strong.

It was good to hear of men and women I grew up with, how they are doing, knowing that at least one of their parents has lived to the upper eighties and beyond.

It was good, also, to be reminded of the good old days; of a time when life seemed slower and the days longer, the friendships tighter, and the future wide open.

Have you recently been reminded of days gone by? How did you feel about the memories? What, if anything, do you long for from your past?

Family Treasures

The June/July issue of AARP has an interesting story about PBS’s Antique Roadhouse. I’ve watched the show numerous times and have often thought of childhood items such as old lunch pails I wish I had saved.

But, my family has in our possession items that would never pass muster at Antique Roadshow.

My mother was an artist, writer, and poet. Numerous short stores and poems written in notebooks or typed for posterity remind us of her active imagination; drawings and paintings remind us of her skill as an artist.

She was left-handed yet her script was perfect, identical to the writing seen atop old chalkboards at school. After all, she took penmanship class in college. For years I tried to emulate her penmanship with little success.

Several photo albums hold pictures of the many cakes she decorated for birthdays, weddings and other special occasions. Not to mentioned the untold number of photographs and slides she took as she recorded our family history.

Many of us have in our homes the bed quilts, baby quilts, Christmas tree skirts, or doll dresses she sewed or crocheted, and the ceramic tile coasters she painted adorn our end tables.

And then there is Dad. He built wooden headboards and bookcases, webbed lounge chairs with our initial or name embedded on the back, and caned the numerous chairs sitting around our dining room and kitchen tables. He even caned the headboard of his bed.

Dad attended the School for the Blind in Lansing during the mid to late 1930’s where he learned how to cane. He later taught a caning class through the local community center.

Throughout our homes, we see on a daily basis the priceless family treasures no amount of money could buy. And I don’t think any of us would trade these personal items and the memory of how they came to be for anything we could have appraised at the Roadshow.

What family treasure do you have? What story does it hold? Better yet, what legacy are you passing on to your family members?